There have been many times when I have gone up town and seen someone that looks different. We catch them out of the corner of our eye and we take a glance at them to see why they do look different. These people know when they are being looked at. At times I would think to myself," I can't imagine what they must be going through."
Those people don't want to be looked at they want to be accepted for who they are. Society is not used to seeing people that look different so they don't know how to react to them. This used to be my perception of society. Now I have realized and experienced that it isn't necessarily so. It is more of a fear within one's self.
In case you haven't caught on yet this article is not about the Upcycled Home it is about a family member going through struggles of her own. And because of this has come to a better understanding.
Struggles, we all have them. Some are invisible others are visible and stand out from the crowd. Struggles can weaken you or they can strengthen you. It is all a matter of how you look at it. My struggle goes way back to my early childhood. Not many people are wanting to talk about childhood abuse and I am one of them. Going through it can lead to denial and then it gets blocked and ignored and thrown in the mental closet. You don't think about it and you do all you can do to forget it. Until the energy gets to hard to bear anymore and must come out. The body alway's remembers and knows exactly what happened. You can only ignore it for so long before the body will make it known to you if you refuse to acknowledge it. Now as an middle aged adult all of that stored energy is coming up and out and it is time that I accept it and release it.
Why am I talking about it? I must admit that I didn't want anyone to know about it. I didn't want people to look at me differently. It was a stain that I couldn't wash away. Society doesn't want people to talk about it. They want everyone to push it in the back mental closet and pretend that it didn't happen. Society don't want this darkness to be known and acknowledged. I will say the only way to let this go is to open that dang closet door and go through it and clean it all out. Otherwise sooner or later that closet door is going to bust open.
I believe the more the light shines on this darkness perhaps we can make a difference and help someone else break free as well. I have been cleaning all the darkness out that has been stored in the closet all of these years. Now because of how I have held on to this so tightly it created a health issue for myself. My body is out of balance and doesn't look normal. I have a large growth in my breast and because of this it has slowed me down from working on the Upcycled Home. Which is very frustrating at times for me. We are a person down and I want so much to help build my home but my body needs attention and care. Some day's I feel good and get some work done. I feel blessed on those day's. I have a shirt that say's "Mind over Matter." Most of the time it is a mind game for me. I am more super conscious than before of myself and others around me. I don't really want to go out in public. What if someone notices? Will I be accepted? Will I feel their stares? With my energy so low at times it is exhausting to be able to do the grocery shopping. So Allen has been doing all of the shopping and washing all of our clothes at the laundry matt. I was ashamed of what I looked like and wasn't ready to handle other people's reactions.
You get to a point where you don't want to hide anymore. You want to live your life. The only person that I needed to have acceptance of is myself. I have needed to love myself no matter what I look like. Who cares about what others think. The most important person is me.
What ever your struggles are don't ignore the most important person and that is you. Look at yourself and see you for who you really are. The light that you are. Jesus has been a big part of my healing and my releasing from the darkness. He has been the Master Healer and the Master Teacher throughout. Leading me every step of the way.
The other day while working on the Earthship the thought of asking for prayers came in. Well this would have to mean that I would have to get this out and let people know about the health issue that I have been going through. I wasn't sure that I had wanted to go there at all. I had wanted to heal without anyone noticing my condition. Because I didn't want to have to deal with other people's negativity about it. I didn't want to go there.
I have learned that Jesus will not give you anything that you can't handle even though in that moment you believe that you can't. Believing is the key. It is the key to resolving issues it is the key to heal. Believe that you can even though every ounce of your body is telling you otherwise. It is taking that leap of faith towards that belief. Sometimes all that we need is to know that Jesus believes in you and that you can move forward. Believing in him helps you to take that step. I want you to understand that this has been my understanding. I don't mean to preach here at all. And if you don't agree with me, that is alright. I love you anyways.
So I took the advise and called my mom, and my sister to let them know what I have been going through. I asked for their prayer's. What I have been ignoring has in fact been very healing for me. I had the best talks with my mom and sister than I have ever had. My close friends have been accepting of me as well. So far I have not had the negativity that I had expected to get. They were understanding to what I was going through. Working through our worst fears in life are the keys to healing.
I have written this article to ask the readers of this blog if you find it in your heart to pray for men your prayers would be greatly appreciated. Prayer is a powerful tool. The only way to connect to it is to let others know that you are in need of prayers.
My hope right now after reading this article is that you have a greater understanding of me and others for when they are in trouble and in need. And to take a moment for yourself from time to time. Sit in a quite place and ask yourself, How are you doing? Be still and see what comes up. And if something does don't ignore yourself. Be brave enough to do something about it.
Thank you for reading my story.
Mary Severin writes about her families embarkment on a learning adventure to build an Upcycled Home using Earthship Principals. To find out what these Principals are click on the Earthship Principals link above.